Last year and this year too, we take a moment to reflect…
This Wednesday in 2012, Chase was deep into radiation in addition to his chemo therapy and was staying in the hospital. He was weak and his counts were very low, but he was stable and so, late in the afternoon of this Wednesday, I held his weak and white body by the window and stared out at the lake, shielding his face – his eyelids covered in scabs from where daily anesthesia tape had ripped the tender skin – and prayed that they would let us go home for Thanksgiving. And then Dr. Goldman entered the room (as only he can enter a room) and told us to go. And we went.
Two years later, we are thankful for so many things and our darling Chase is still with us to celebrate.
Giving thanks… Moment by moment.
“My heart is filled with thankfulness
To Him who walks beside;
Who floods my weaknesses with strength
And causes fears to fly;
Whose ev’ry promise is enough
For ev’ry step I take,
Sustaining me with arms of love
And crowning me with grace.” [Getty, Townend]
There are some days that I long for answers.
After being re-admitted to the hospital in Sunday’s early hours, Chase is driving me to that place. Why are the fevers so high when he still had white blood cells? Why is he so visibly ill when his tests are coming back negative? Why is his blood pressure so low ….does he need platelets …does he vomit even after anti-nausea drugs …why, why, why??
It’s days like today that I hear Tennyson in my head:
“Theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do and die…”
Is that the reality? To do and die?
Even as I question, I am reminded of the verse in Jeremiah:
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
If this life is full of God’s plans for me that give both a future and a hope, and I’d prefer not to face it like one of the six hundred riding silently to death, I ask myself…how should I respond to weary days with no answers?
Give thanks even when it hurts. …when it aches …when there is no human reason for the pain and suffering.
“Give thanks in ALL things…” (1 Thess 5:18)
So this is my answer for today. I may not get the answers I crave for the child lying in the bed, but believing that whatever my God ordains is right and for His glory and my good can free my burdened heart for thankfulness.
Moment by moment.