It’s not good. It’s not bad. It just is…
The growths in Chase’s brain have grown…(bad)…but only minimally…(good). And the results of his spinal tap are negative for cancer cells…(good)…but there’s an anomaly of some kind at the base of his spine which needs to be watched carefully…(bad). So, the growth is bad, but the slowness of it is good, and in the meantime, it’s still not clear if this is recurrent primary tumor that’s dormant and about to grow fast, a secondary slow-growing tumor, or any tumor at all. So, to sum up, we’re essentially in the same place as we were 69 days ago…just slightly larger and stranger.
We feel weary…frustrated…guilty…
We are not frustrated at the cancer. Never at the cancer. It doesn’t hold that much power. No, we’re frustrated and a little angry because waiting for scans like this is staring down the frailty of life on this earth and we’re powerless and feel it keenly. We ask again and again “Is this the day we find out that he’s dying?” …and there are no answers. It’s not for us to know right now. And we chafe under that knowledge that we lack.
The struggle to make the most of those times in-between the scans and the questions is a very strong, hard one. And honestly, some days we win and some days we lose, and then we feel guilty because the frustration wells up on a day like today where we didn’t need to have “the talk” with our doctors and we were given a reprieve for six more weeks.
So, here we are…six more weeks… and then we do this again.
And by grace, we’ll fight the frustration and guilt because we believe that nothing happens to us that is not sovereignly allowed by a loving God – which means this cancer has a purpose. And the waiting has a purpose. And what we learn as we turn over our frustration and guilt and impatience for answers all have purpose. And without a doubt, I can write that there are so many other purposes to this that I can’t identify and may never know in my lifetime.
This wait feels like the delay of a journey, but in reality, it is as much a part of the journey as the answers we seek…maybe even more.
When we wait like this, we have nowhere to turn but to Him and accept what He’s lovingly given.
So be it. We wait with expectation and purpose…
Moment by moment.
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! Psalm 27:13-14
[Chase is currently scheduled to go in for another short, un-sedated MRI and meet with his neurosurgeon on Monday, December 8th – at which time any growth/change will be re-evaluated in regards to brain surgery or biopsy. Thank you so much for being on this wild waiting journey with us.]