The Two Doors


“The prognosis for AT/RT has been very poor, although there are some indications that an IRSIII-based therapy can produce long-term survival (60 to 72 months). Two-year survival is less than 20%, average survival postoperatively is 11 months, and doctors often recommend palliative care, especially with younger children because of the poor outcomes.” -Wikipedia on Atypical Teratoid Rhabdoid Tumor

Tomorrow, February 6th, is Chase’s first truly post-treatment MRI.  The first real chemo-is-all-out-of-your-system, three-months-without-a-single-drug-to-guard-against-relapse, have-your-sleep-patterns-changed, why-did-you-forget-that-word, you-fell-twice-yesterday… MRI.

Tomorrow, there will be two doors.  Behind Door #1 is the clear scan and the sigh of relief and the three month wait until next time.  Behind Door #2 is relapse and all the possibilities that it brings.  Writing that thought down leaves me sick to my stomach, but the truth is, we’ve known about Door #2 since the early days of August 2012.  So, even if it comes to that horror, there will likely be few surprises.

People say in mistaken comfort “Yes, but what are the chances…?”  For a parent of a child that only ever had a hairs-breadth percentage of getting cancer and this cancer and surviving this cancer, the chances hold no comfort at all.

The only comfort is in knowing that I am invited to bring my worry to God, and then not worry about it anymore, because He will guard my heart and my mind.  The only comfort is knowing that all of our days were counted and known before we ever breathed, that we were fearfully and wonderfully created, and our very souls cry out with that thought.  The only comfort is knowing that all our pain and suffering is but an earth-moment, and then we’ll stand in the presence of our Savior, understanding the promises and knowing no more pain or sorrow or tears–only closeness to Him forever.

I know those truths.  I believe those truths.  But as I stand in front of these two doors, my heart is still heavy… what now?


“The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” Exodus 14:14

Silence?  My make-it-better, make-it-stop, never-give-in heart wants no part of that.  Silence is accepting defeat.  Silence is acquiescing… isn’t it?  Being silent is one of the hardest things for me to do, yet I’m called to do it in this moment.  And as I obey, not speaking becomes speaking.  The quiet becomes loud.  We will watch and see what unfolds as we remember how far we’ve come, and know beyond a shadow of doubt that the same grace that covered all waits always, ahead of us, behind any door.

The doors are in place as they always have been and will be… The right thoughts are known and remembered time and again… and now?

We wait for what He will show us in His time.

We are silent…   Moment by moment.

13 responses to “The Two Doors

  1. *sigh* We are silent with you friend. Eyes fixed on the Lord. “But the Lord is with me as a dread warrior,”–Jeremiah 20:11a

    We will hold you up continually in prayer, moment by moment. Love you.

  2. Chills as I’m reading your post because “Here in Your Presence” is playing on Pandora – as I’m reading. “Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonder; kings and their kingdoms are standing amazed; here in Your presence, we are undone; here in Your presence, heaven and earth become one; here in Your presence; all things are new; here in your presence everything bows to You.” Praying.

  3. So again dear Ellie, you have shown us what Gods grace can produce. Even though the shadow of cancer still looms..there is hope in so much…His abiding presence is ever with us and only increases when our hearts break, when our tears fall, and when our strength fails. Will continue to pray for all of you!

  4. I will trust in You
    You’ve never failed before
    I will trust in You

    (Chorus )
    If there’s a road I should walk
    Help me find it
    If I need to be still
    Give me peace for the moment
    Whatever Your will
    ……Whatever Your will
    Can You help me find it

    Can You help me find it

    I’m giving You fear and You give faith
    I giving You doubt
    You give me grace
    For every step I’ve never been alone ……
    From: Help Me Find It ; Sidewalk Prophets
    from the album Live Like That

  5. Have been praying for you all about tomorrow. Reading your post makes me glad as I know you are grounded in the knowledge of God’s truth. Praying for peace of heart and mind and some joy as you wait. Love you.

  6. The Lord brings you all to mind every several minutes. Starting yesterday. I actually thought today was the MRI day… heavy heart is a reminder to say “Thy will be done Lord”…..”may we rest in what you already know”. Breathe, Ewoldts, don’t forget to breathe. I love you dearly and understand how this must feel. We are all waiting with baited breath as to what the news will be, but happily wait until you all are ready to share. We love you and are here for you in any capacity. May the Lord give you a sense of Peace that is almost odd considering what the day holds. May you notice it. Love, The DeJongs

  7. Your words speak such truth. Truth about the reality of this broken world and truth about the reassurance of our Mighty God. “The Lord is near all who call on him! all who call on him in truth.” Psalm 145:18 May you continue to lay all at his feet…moment by moment.

  8. Ellie, you don’t know me, but Kirsten talks about you and your family quite frequently. I pray for you all, and will especially be praying for you tomorrow, as your little guy goes through the scan and you wait for the outcome. May you literally feel the Everlasting Arms around you, holding you tightly.

    Deb E.

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  10. i am praying for chase, for you and your entire family, ellie. your phrase”Be Still… Wait… Be Silent” reminds me to Be Still and Know That HE is God… it is in the silence, those times when we quiet our minds, that we can hear His voice; His sweet, strong voice.
    Psalm 27: 13-14
    I would have lost heart, had I not believed
    That I would see the goodness of the Lord
    In the land of the living.
    Wait on the Lord;
    Be of good courage,
    And He shall strengthen your heart;
    Wait, I say, on the Lord!

  11. Man Ellie, I needed this today. The Lord has repeatedly called me to be silent in my life. And when I am silent I can finally, clearly hear His voice. I needed His voice this week. I am so thankful for what the Lord is doing in your lives. Teaching you and teaching others.
    Praying for you Momma. Praying for Chase’s body. Praying in thankfulness for God’s perfect plan and perfect grace.

  12. Frank and Jennifer Mihic

    Oh, the mercies of God. Teach us to number our days that we may praise You. Thank you for believing in Him. May this testify to the hosts of heaven and the hosts of hell of God’s character.

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