Cancer Days

Lake Michigan

Most days, the fact of Chase’s cancer is recessed behind the reality of simply caring for him and the rest of my family. However, there are some days when the cancer is heavy on me. Days where no matter how I think, pray, reason, or verbalize, my heart and mind are unshakably heavy with the weight of this awful disease and it’s toll on the ones I love.

This last week, I had a bad cancer day. On Tuesday, we found out the results of Monday’s spinal tap – that there were still cancer cells in the fluid. We had not expected them to be gone, but we had hoped. There was no status change in Chase or his treatment, but that news put the cancer back on me.

The heaviness stayed with me for some time and when I was finally able to escape the room, I took a walk and sat by the cloudy, windy lake – which seemed to mirror my mood.

As I sat, I opened the Bible app in my phone to Psalm 27 and read verses 13 and 14…

“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage. Wait for the Lord!”

What incredible words in a moment for which there was no explanation! Yes, I can wait…I WILL wait….why? Because I believe that I will see God’s goodness. Whether His goodness manifests in healing my son is for His mind alone at this time, but I know that He is good, and so I wait …

Moment by moment …

9 responses to “Cancer Days

  1. Oh, it just gives me unending goosebumps! My family is praying for your family!! I have those bad cancer days, too. It’s such a comfort to be able to rest in His sovereignty, isn’t it?

  2. Please hang on knowing you loving Father in Heaven knows what you need. Chase too.
    Love you sis, I understand as you well know.

  3. I always remember what God did for my dad when I read this Psalm. It was my scripture during that time. May it become your stone of remembrance too. Know that I am praying for your sweet boy.

  4. I think of you guys and Chase often, and the “heaviness” that is there. Strength and grace and hope to you all.

  5. (((Ellie)))

    Praying for you all as you walk this road..

  6. Those verses have been especially meaningful to me the last 10 years or so. I’m so glad they’re speaking to you, too. Praying for you guys.

  7. Hi, I don’t know you but heard your story from some facebook friends (Dave and Christie Jennings and Patti Selvey). I went to Wheaton and have 4 children. I just wanted to tell you that even though i don’t know you I prayed for you all. Your strength (that you are getting from God) is so amazing! I cannot fathom what it must be like, but you seem to have the perfect perspective. I will continue to pray for you —in a way that only another mommy can—and of course that your little man will be whole again. Here is a verse for you: John 11:4 “This sickness will not end in death; no, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it” Keep on being strong and may God keep filling you!

  8. Gosh, tears every time, Ellie. Every time. Just prompts me to pray more. Praying for God’s tangible presence for you, Bob, Chase, your other wonderful children, and your extended family.

  9. The other day Jacqui noticed I was crying and questioned, “Chase?” Praying for you…more and more grace and peace. Love you!

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