There are some moments that are as clear as if they were 60 seconds ago.
I always think better as I drive. Driving and thinking. Normally, it’s a peaceful time for me, but not this late summer day.
My thoughts raced. It had been several days since I’d told him and I still had no concrete answers.
I’m going to lose everything. Everything!
There is the inevitable loss of reputation and standing. I’d undoubtedly lose friendships for the deep deception I’d played out. I knew that my parents would stand by me – because they’d always told me that I could come to them no matter what happened in my life – but I didn’t imagine for a second that our relationship wouldn’t be severely damaged. There was more … more than the reputation and relationship, there was also my job. I worked for a Christian institution and did not for a second think that I would be allowed to stay. I had only been on their payroll for two months and there was no precedence for my “situation” – which meant two things: no money, and no insurance.
The situation was so hopeless that I could hardly breath as it closed in on me. In that split second of thought as I drove I began to think that the only answer was an abortion.
I have to do this. There is no other possible way this will ever work. This will be the hardest thing I ever do, but I can do it and then I can move on with my life.
My palms got clammy. Can I do this? I have to. I have to.
I’ve heard epiphanies often come with light and sound, but mine was silent. The next breath; the next thought.
No. I can’t do this.
The answers were still miles away, but in that moment, the complete resolve of my spirit was much stronger than my weak and selfish will:
This pregnancy will not end by my hand. Every other obstacle can be worked out, but a baby will be born.