The pieces lie in our hands…
We’ve talked about this. We are the lucky ones…the ones still breathing.
The pieces are broken and jagged, like a shattered vase, but…he lives.
Many are the times we’ve cried out for wisdom and wandered the farthest regions of our motives in search of the right and wrong in saving treatments that cause great damage. And we’ve steeled our hearts that if our hope comes true – if, by some means, some day, better cures are found – they will have passed too late for Chase. The seeds of damage were sewn when we opted to save his life. We ask ourselves almost every day… are we ready for this? …whatever this looks like? …the fruit of our decisions?
Absolutely not. By grace alone, we stand.
Would we go back?
Absolutely not. Ready or not; no regrets. The pieces are jagged and some are ugly and sad, but we’ve steeled our hearts and have set to fixing the vessel and it never ceases to amaze us how much beauty there can be around the broken.
On Wednesday, we heard our very good news, but that was not the only appointment we had. We also sat with another doctor. One who monitors things like growth, organs and hormones. Chase lay flat and still while she measured and he held his arms out like a bird while she measured more and he stayed patient as she checked everything and we talked family history back into the generations.
Even though his weight is in keeping with other children his age, it’s starting to show already: Chase’s height is having trouble keeping up. His tiny black dot was still on the growth charts before our eyes, but just barely…like someone clinging to a precipice by their fingertips. How much longer until it falls off completely? Nobody knows.
The consultation came down to blood for now. Tests and blood. More decisions will come in the next year or two. Decisions that bring with them risk of secondary cancer. This is the cost of trying to grow up when your spine was radiated.
Our hearts are heavy with these things some days, still, even in the heaviest of moments; no regrets. We set to mending the pieces because it’s only a side effect and some day, Chase will be better than better. He will be perfect. In the meantime, we’ll use the pieces to reflect the light.
Moment by moment.
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Revelation 21:5a