Once again, I sit, wrapped in blankets on the hospital couch, watching the darkness turn slowly to dawn over the city, thinking through the day ahead.
Just like the morning of the brain surgery…
Just like countless other mornings...
My thoughts are interrupted as Chase stirs and cries out; a small reminder that he’s under the chemo and today’s end is not really the end.
But I sit and pray that God would allow me to weigh this moment, this day and remember it always. Today, it will be finished.
Fourteen months to the day, this grueling, “not advisable for small children“, “hardest thing you’ll do“, “best chance of survival” chemo therapy plan will be done.
As I’ve written over those fourteen months, there have been many times I’ve been next to the hospital bed. In those moments, we process and weep in our parent hearts…but it’s he, Chase, who has had to physically bear the weight of fighting for his life! And fight he has. The numbers alone speak of the battles…
The inpatient days, the days we were admitted number 129. This number does not include ER visits, MRI days, clinic days or all the other days spent in the infusion center of the hospital for chemo and blood. No, the number of days Chase lay his head down for the night alone in this place are 129. Were I to add the others, the number would close to double.
There have been 37 bags of platelets hung and 26 of red blood to date (there will be more…). There were 33 days of radiation and 15 central line placements, repairs or removals. There have been 9 different chemo therapy drugs, sometimes as many as 5 at a time and 16 spinal taps. And I could not count the sedations, labs, ECHO tests, audiology exams and all the other little things that accompany these numbers. There have been too many.
If I know anything of my son and this disease, this will not be the last time I sit here in the dawn, and many of the numbers I just wrote will continue to grow even after the official treatment stops, but for right now, I sit, and I pray that God allows me to remember this moment always because today, it will be finished.
God, we are in your hands and in that we rest!
Moment by moment.