Monthly Archives: November 2012

Fear, Thanks, and Deliverance

I have been considering thankfulness a lot this week.  Specifically, how I could possibly be thankful in a season filled with things that I wish weren’t happening.  I have found myself praying “God, I know that I’m supposed to be thankful for everything, yet how can I possibly be thankful for cancer?”  This awful disease provokes zero gratitude…rather, pain, hopelessness, and often fear.  In the face of heartache, how can I be thankful?

My answer is found in the knowledge that I have been already delivered from this fear:

“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4

This is how I can thank God for the cancer: as I am blessedly pushed to greater dependence on Him in the midst of this season, I seek him more, and as I seek him more the fear is gone, and God’s indescribable grace becomes both how I am and what I am most thankful for in this season.

Preparing for discharge…in time for Thanksgiving!

Blessed beyond blessed with so much to be thankful for in this moment by moment life…

Happy Thanksgiving

O My Soul

I have so desired to share a taste of who Chase is (more than just pictures) with you.  You are always hearing my voice on Chase’s cancer and not his, so here is a small video of him singing “his song” – Matt Redman’s “10,000 Reasons” – the chorus of which is “Bless the Lord, O my soul, O my soul, worship your holy name. Sing like never before o my soul, I worship Your holy name.

Sidenote: The broadsword is optional.

“Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes…”

Adventures On the Toilet Train

To anyone who ever became frustrated with toilet training (or the thought of toilet training) a small boy: take heart…you are not alone.  In fact, to encourage you, I’ve made a list of some of the recent and real sentences that have come from my 3 year old son while in the other side of the bathroom door.

“Mom, I fell in the toilet again!”

“Mom, I didn’t fall in the toilet again!”

“Mom, I decided to put the toilet paper in the sink before I wiped myself.”

“Mom, why does it [body part] look like this?”

“Mom, I didn’t mean to pee all over the floor, really, I didn’t.”

“Mom, I stuck my foot in the toilet!”

“Mom, Karsten’s in here too and he just stuck his hand in the toilet!”

“Mom, yes, you really do have to take off all your clothes before you go potty.”

“Mom, I broke your magazine.”

“Mom, I broke the toilet seat.”

“Look Mom!  I can hold the toilet paper with my toes.”

On a completely unrelated note, I’m thinking of writing a post on bathroom cleaners.


Of Fish and Heroes…

In the middle of our whole central line drama, we had some Halloween fun!

Also, because I haven’t blogged in days, I need to tell you that Friday, the 2nd of November, Chase left the hospital (by ambulance…he was so excited!) for radiation and then after radiation, he returned to go directly into a central line surgery.  He is now the proud owner of his FOURTH access line and I have to start every phone call to his team with “Hi, it’s Ellie. Chase’s central line is fine.”

Here are some pictures of our October 31st …

The Super Hero and The Fish (Incidentally, The Fish was annoyed as all get out with his costume. If one year old facial expressions are to be trusted, The Fish felt like A Clown.)

The Fish drowned his costume angst in a deep dish pizza and felt all better…

The Princess braved isolation to see a super hero of another sort…

The Mommy got to see the Princess, Superhero, and Fish (or Crab)…

…and Chase dressed up as Spiderman because he spends every other day being Superman. (note: only his arms are in his costume because he was hooked up to all sorts of things)

Moment by Moment…

Windowsill Or IV?


Late this morning, I sat on a deep windowsill overlooking a crisp Fall city day and the beautiful lake. On my lap was snuggled a sweet and cuddly bald boy and we were watching a show on the iPad. I sipped my Starbucks americano and thought: “Wow, what a perfect moment. I am so blessed.” It was very like a movie scene…all lovely and right.

The truth is that I was sitting on that sill with my bald boy because he had to be out of the bed so that they could change the bloody sheets – a side effect of his last good IV site giving out and leaking all over. We were watching a movie to distract him from his bruised, battered, and swollen arms, and I was drinking coffee because I’d been up half the night after the bald boy pulled his central line out of his chest (in his sleep) and we had walked through the real-life bad dream of them telling us to keep him flat to guard against an embolism and helping to hold him perfectly still as he screamed and strained against the multiple, bloody attempts to place an IV so that he could continue his medicines and nutrition through the night.

My apologies for the graphic description. It was an intense night.

I guess my point in this is perspective.

There is the bruised, screaming child with the failed IV and there is the coffee and snuggling on the window sill. Both have been my recent reality and neither have cancelled the other out. But in this moment, there was grace given to see the joy.

“…the joy of The Lord is my strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

Choosing joy on a windowsill…

Moment by moment.